On such a day, I got on Facebook as a diversion only to make matters worse. It ended up being a terrible choice that stealthily sent a message to further challenge my identity. I was clueless it was happening. All I knew is by afternoon, I didn’t want to feel the sad, lowly thoughts about myself anymore. I began plotting my way forward and all I could see to get out of it was to get busier in more things. Double up on Thai language. Double up teaching more English courses. Volunteer more. However, I’ve learned that these kinds of solutions only exhaust me so my problem solving & reasoning continued to worsen the problem. This line of thinking isn’t a solution at all.
I wanted Father to intervene, comfort me and give direction what to do? What could possibly comfort me? I didn’t want to feel self-pity, but I did. And, I didn’t want to feel sad, but I did. I didn’t want to feel regret, lonely & frustrated but I did. I already knew it was an identity issue but I couldn’t get out from under it. All I could hear was, “you gave your life for this?”
I laced up my shoes and went out for a walk with a teaching podcast in my ears. I thanked God for the beautiful sunshine and tuned in to the teaching. The teacher said, who is God to you? My thoughts took me into film mode where memories of God’s faithfulness played. I lost track of what the teacher was saying for a few moments while the memories of Father’s goodness & faithfulness played in my head. Faithful. God is faithful to me. I tuned back in to the teacher’s words and he said, “…because that is who you are to God.” Gasp! Father? Is that true? You see me faithful? He said, “Yes! You’ve been faithful to me.” My heart melted like wax and all the disappointment of my under-achievements vanished. Oh, how it lifted me out of the mire at that moment.
I realized I had bought into the snare that comes when we compare ourselves with others. I was comparing my fruit. There’s no need to compare ourselves. We all have the same wonderful generous Father who bestows his goodness on ALL of us. Who wants the ‘good works’ that will be burnt up? Why settle for the counterfeit when we can ALL have the REAL thing? Jesus’ fruit is what will remain and is eternal. His faithfulness to me produced faithfulness which He took pleasure in. Boredom is broken when contentment is found! Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and bears Jesus’ fruit for that fruit will remain forever. Faithfulness is the product of my true identity as it also a part of His.